Friday 17 December 2010

Heaven -- a short story on eternity





After death, Rev. Lee goes to Heaven as expected, received by officious Archangels

Upon learning of the discord between Jesus and His Father

and that Christians and Muslims share the same Paradise

He starts to worry about his Everlasting Life ahead

Nonetheless, he finds himself involuntarily blissful



AFTER Gabriel fades out of sight, I let out a muffled mental murmur, a subdued nasty thought: ‘So long you prissy feathery prig, watch out for planes…’ The juvenile remark, so unlike me, feels great.


So, this is my Day Number One of Eternal Life…


My death is so fresh I can still smell the sanitised odour of the urine bag that hung from my deathbed, and feel the warmth of a soiled diaper creeping under the prickly hospital blanket. Elena’s squeaky weep, and the droning prayers of our son Rev. Kelvin Lee (II), still ring in my ears. In the background is the unstoppable phantom pulses of the equipments I was connected to, like a car being checked at the garage. I have no idea what their functions are, but had long realised their futility. They were just a waste of electricity. But they persisted. 


I had been lying there, technically in a coma, perceiving things around me with tormenting clarity for months, years, perhaps longer. I couldn’t tell then; I only knew it had been a long time. The coma was taking me farther and farther away from the mundane world, but no nearer the Kingdom of God. Take me now God. Please make them pull the plugs, I had prayed, entreated, begged repeatedly with all the mental energy I could summon. But they wouldn’t. Alas, not on me. I had been a powerful voice against abortion and euthanasia before the car accident. They wouldn’t dare to cut the drips for as long as my body displayed the faintest sign of technical life, and against my will it did, on and on.


For years, I had argued that life’s something only God can give or take. But in my case, God neither took nor gave back. He kept me dangling in a poorly defined state for eight years four months sixteen days two hours and twenty minutes before sending Archangel Michael.


Finally, Heaven. Thank God!

_____



Well, I always knew I would go to Heaven. I had been a good man: dutiful husband, loving father, devout Christian. Heaven’s for dead people like me, isn’t it? Well, there had been a few minor transgressions, but in the interminable time that I idled comatose, I must have repented thousands of times for each of the five occasions I cheated on Elena. There wasn’t much else to do in a coma. 


All five incidents happened while I was on church business in Hong Kong. I don’t know what possessed me but I do concede I was no match for Satan’s cunning device. Look, with due respect, even God has trouble obliterating this supreme evil so…


Anyway, when I was driven past Wanchai in the church limo, I was attacked by an irrepressible erection, a carnal function that I had nearly forgotten. Honest to God, I didn’t even give so much as a glance at the scantily clad girls outside the sleazy bars. But when we drove past, my penis would swell involuntarily, as if pumped with blood collected from the gutters of Hell. After the chauffeur dropped me off at the hotel, I dashed to a cold shower, and prayed. But the hellish tumescence crept right back. I struggled fiercely, then succumbed, and sneaked out. That was the first time. 


Similar relapses during four subsequent trips were in a way more disturbing because of the shameful anticipation. The plane wasn’t even airborne yet. My cheeks were still be damp with Elena’s good-bye kisses, and I would start praying for advance forgiveness, gripping the seatbelt with both hands. My heart would race ahead of the flight. My mouth would feel dry for the entire journey, no matter how much water I drank. I was evidently overwhelmed by evil, helplessly possessed. But God wouldn’t come to my rescue, or give me a guiding hand. He let me stand my own test. So I bravely did, but badly failed, every single time.


Well, all that was in the past. Though not totally forgotten, these trespasses had evidently been forgiven. Otherwise, I would be somewhere much warmer right now, wouldn’t I?

_____



It happened abruptly. 


From one second to the next, my time was up. One of the machines tolled my knell: ding… ding… ding


Elena and Junior arrived. She sobbed, a bit too loud and ceremonious I thought. Junior prayed to thank God on my behalf, also too loud in my opinion, but I joined him. I kind of suspected that I had died, but wasn’t positive. Everything felt the same as before — cold. Perhaps a touch colder than usual, but that was all. The temperature difference between life and death turned out to be rather subtle at first.


Then a firm and even cooler hand gripped mine.


‘Let’s go!’


I recognised him right away because of the iconic sword. It was clamped under the armpit to free his hand for mine. In his other hand was a scale, the one he weighs souls with. He had a stern expression, almost fierce. I didn’t take it personally. The Archangel never smiles. That’s his reputation. I know these things.


‘I know who you are — The Archangel Michael!’ I exclaimed, perhaps a bit overexcited. I was proud of myself for having identified him immediately. All my Bible studies had not been in vain.


The Archangel didn’t seem impressed at all. I suddenly felt unsure, and worried that I had mixed up my Biblical characters. It had been years since I read the Bible.


‘Let’s go!’ he repeated dryly.


‘Can I have a few minutes more with my family? Just to wait till they’re gone?’ My voice choked. Michael stared at me, expression unchanged, then repeated his favourite phrase: ‘Let’s go.’


‘Okay, then.’ I could tell he wasn’t going to change his mind. 


I tried to sound light-hearted instead: ‘I know I know, I’m not the only one dying today right?’


He ignored me, maintained a forceful grip, and pulled me towards Heaven.

_____


With considerable excitement, I anticipated my personal introduction to God at the Gate of Heaven. That’s one of Michael’s many angelic duties, besides battling his indestructible foe Satan who’s also destined never to win. After my comatose experience, I could now see the pointlessness of the struggle with a touch of philosophy. No wonder Michael seemed crabby. At the instant of that  unseemly thought, he shot me a glance. I then remembered that I was now dead, and in the good hands of an angelic being — God’s celestial messenger. He could no doubt tune in to my thoughts, of course. What was I thinking? To hide them from God? 


I was embarrassed by my impertinence. Smarten up! I reprimanded myself. Get ready to meet God Himself momentarily. Should I shake His hands? Bow? Genuflect? Or prostrate? The Bible mentions nothing in this regard. I decided to prostrate, to be on the safe side.


If Michael was still listening to my mental mumble, he didn’t volunteer any advice. I followed mutely, weaving from one patch of whiteness into another. So far, since leaving my deathbed, everything had been featureless.  There was a constant wind hissing through his prominent pinions. The feathers were white with a beautiful golden sheen; perhaps a little tired though, kind of limp…


He turned to look at me again. 


Oh shoot! I abruptly took my thought off his personal appearance, and replaced it with a rapturous mental praise: Oh beautiful Archangel! Oh what a perfect being! Beautiful Michael!

_____


At the Gate of Heaven, Michael handed me over to Gabriel —-here! — then turned to leave. To the best of my knowledge, he hadn’t  even bothered to weigh my soul. Gabriel mumbled ‘Thanks’ to his back. That was it. I couldn’t help feeling a little dejected.


Gabriel was more pleasant. I nearly mistook him for God.


‘Welcome to Heaven, Reverend Lee. I’m Gabriel, Archangel in charge, Chief Worthless Servant to Our Lord God the Almighty and Everlasting,’ he recited in a flat and detached tone, sounding more like an English butler than a Jewish angel.


‘Please call me Kelvin, Archangel Gabriel. You have no idea how honoured I am to meet you.’


‘Is that so…’ he said, followed by an unnervingly long pause. I waited with my mouth open, uncertain whether to interrupt. ‘Marvellous,’ he finally resumed. ‘You’ll be most welcome to see me whenever you wish, assuming you have a valid reason, naturally, or whenever I summon your presence, which I sincerely hope will not happen. We normally leave all Sinners alone to enjoy their everlasting lives in peace, unless they cause trouble.’


‘Sinners?’


‘Against God’s Perfection, are we not but dismal transgressors Reverend Lee?’ Gabriel sniggered. I wasn’t sure what the joke was, but instinctually chuckled along, agreeing enthusiastically: ‘Sinners. Yes. Of course. Transgressors. Ha, haha!’


Sharing a joke with an Archangel. How ‘bout that? 



The Gate of Heaven is a virtual gate. Similar to everything else, it has no distinguishable feature, but one knows intuitively that it is the main entrance to Paradise. Not far away squatted two plum toddler angels, staring emptily ahead, cute little wings spread wide open, as if posing for a Christmas card. Their trumpets were laid on the cloud in front. They didn’t pay us any attention. One of them rolled his heavily lidded eyes towards Michael for a second when we arrived, then resumed his listless goggle at the haziness ahead. They didn’t seem to take note of Gabriel at all.


Gabriel noticed me staring, and said: ‘Infant Mortality.’


‘Pardon me?’


‘There used to be lots of these things around when my Lord God the Sparkling Wisdom enjoyed having a cloud of them singing and trumpeting above his head. Thank God He eventually got tired of them so we strictly enforce Divine Admission Rules now to curb these pests.’


‘I see… Don’t they play music anymore? Like, a welcome tune or something?’


Gabriel gave me a disdainful glance. ‘Not to you anyway, no offence.’ He then regarded the baby angels contemptuously and added: ‘If I were you, I’d keep my distance. Original Sin, you know.’


‘Thanks for the advice, Angel Gabriel,’ I tried to sound grateful.


ARCH…angel,’ he corrected me, cocking his head disapprovingly, raising his frosty brows. 


‘Sorry, Archangel Gabriel.’ 


I tried shifting my weight, as was my tic when feeling uneasy. But I had become weightless. There was no physical feedback from my weight transfer. I had noticed that empty feeling of being part of a vacuum the moment I died, but was not yet used to it.



The soft diffused light, moderately cool temperature and mildly humid air all stayed constant. Without a clock anywhere in sight, it was hard to mark the passage of time in Heaven. Gabriel spent what seemed like an afternoon to give me a quick intro of my new home forever. Instead of the orientation I expected, he mostly babbled about personal achievements while taking me for a guided aimless tour of the homogeneous place.


He bragged about breaking the news of pregnancy to Mary. Apparently, her initial response was hysterical: ‘No one will believe that, for God’s sake!’ she screamed. ‘They’ll stone me to death. Joseph will cast a boulder the size of a bread-box.’ 


Gabriel had to calm her with authority: ‘Hold thy tongue, woman! Have faith! The Lord hath chosen thee to bear the Son as a Virgin. No one shalt harm thee.’ Then he added with a shrug: ‘You have no choice anyway.’


So, that was the Annunciation.


Gabriel admitted with the ostentatious nonchalance of a professional insider that he wasn’t sure how the event might have unfolded. But if Mary’s savage world decided to stone her to death, it would have been Michael, not him, who had to retrieve the embryo of the Son, he explained as a matter of fact. As it turned out, believe it or not, everyone just said ‘Wow!’ Even Joseph didn’t ask any difficult question. Now, that was a miracle.

_____


As the afternoon wore on, I was acclimatised to Gabriel’s discouraging countenance, and ventured a few questions. He gave me some indications which mostly confirmed my understanding of Heaven. However, instead of gratification, I felt a strange sense of foreboding. Something seemed amiss in my clerical knowledge of the eternal rest home. Perhaps it was my lack of consideration to everyday details.


My first question was how I might acquire a pair of wings. Everyone I’d met so far was winged, I felt naked and deformed. 


‘In due course. Normally after you’ve had an audience with His Eternal Grace, provided there are yellow ones in stock.’


I couldn’t hide my shock and indignation. I was American, and thoroughly Christian. He was saying I had to install — or grow? —  yellow wings, presumably because of my ethnicity? This is blatantly racist! I was about to protest when it suddenly dawned on me the Bible never promised anything like racial equality in God’s Kingdom. Even Jesus was reluctant to help the Canaanite woman because of her tribal background, right there in Matthew 15:21-28. I know my Bible.


I sensibly let my grumble flash past, and covered its track with a loud mental Hallelujah! In only a few hours, I had become much better in controlling the big mouth of my mind. I was quite pleased with myself about the progress.


‘Would I look like a chicken?’ I decided to demonstrate good humour rather than grouchiness. Acceptance is a virtue of all great men when they have no choice.


‘Probably. But you’ll have plenty of time to get used to it,’ Gabriel agreed, upper lip twitching between a faint smirk and disdain.  


‘When will I meet God?’ I asked, straightforward, decided to leave the disturbing issue of chicken wings behind. 


‘In due course.’


I wondered exactly how long is one due course, but enquired instead how I might find my dead relatives. On the way up, the hypnotic sibilance of a steady wind going through Michael’s feathers had lulled me into a reverie. I had visualised an emotional reunion with my parents and uncle Joe, all exemplary Christians. They would be up here somewhere, no doubt about it.


‘Feel free to look around,’ Gabriel said. He explained Heaven’s not a fascist state. There’s almost absolute freedom of movement. Sinners may wander from one end of infinity to the other without being regularly monitored.


I tried not to let my frustration show. After a brief pause, I changed the subject once more: ‘What about Jesus?’


‘What about Him?’


‘I’d been His devout follower all my life. Can I meet Him?’ I could hear my pious and reverent voice hardening, but was hopeful that the situation might improve if I could meet Christ in person.


Gabriel sat down sombrely in an invisible armchair, and signalled me to do the same. I lowered myself cautiously into a sitting position, but couldn’t feel any supporting furniture, or the strain of hunkering down. I finally let go completely — what the hell — and came to rest in a sitting position. There are some neat things in Heaven after all.


‘You have a son, right?’


‘He’s also a preacher.’ I could hear the pride in my own voice.


‘Have you ever, say, disagreed?’


‘Of course. But by the Grace of God, I always managed to find the weakness in him, and helped him to come around. I’m his father, you see.’


‘The Son and My Lord the Infinite Mercy have similar divergences every now and then.’


‘Archangel Gabriel, I’m not sure I understand. Junior and I are faulty mortals. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are three Perfect Beings in one. How can they have squabbles?’


‘Well, they do,’ Gabriel said blandly, raising the frosty eyebrows again to elevate his vexation to the surface. ‘Being bound in trinity with one’s father, or son, kind of gets to one after a few aeons, as you might well imagine. Closeness tends to breed contempt, if you know what I mean.’


‘No I don’t,’ I said curtly, surprising myself. 


I desperately needed to sigh, so I took a deep breath. But the inhalation vanished. I drew in a bigger one. That vanished too. This must have been a No Sigh Zone. For the first time, I felt dead.


The Archangel watched me baffled by my transmogrified respiratory mechanism with a supercilious sneer, then said in a deliberate tone, meaning to shock: ‘The Son’s in Hell.’


‘What?’ I jumped from the non-existent chair.


‘Calm!’ he ordered softly. ‘It’s not what you think.’ He crossed his fingers and rested his palms against the back of his head. ‘He went there voluntarily. Tired of life in Heaven, said it’s sterile, and that he was sick of praising His Father the Lord God of Shining Truth non-stop. A young man in relative term after all. He wanted to go where He’s most needed, where condemned souls are. He went to Earth for exactly the same reason, so it wasn’t the first time.’


‘Bu-bu —’ I had suddenly developed a stutter.


Gabriel ignored me. ‘It was good for everyone in the end. Those two were at each other’s throat ever since the great Egyptian plague. The Son never forgave His Father for massacring the firstborns. Since then, He had bugged our Lord of Limitless Magnanimity over every single massacre in the Bible. The Son was a softie, had always been, but was becoming irksome to His Father.’


‘Bu-buh-but-but —’ On the tenth but, I overcame the roadblock in my larynx. ‘But damnation’s eternal! Hell’s eternal punishment! What’s the point? Who’s soul is He going to save?’


Gabriel raised his eyebrows again, then pulled the lids down without relaxing his forehead. I was beginning to find the diversity of his contemptuous facial remarks amusing rather than disturbing. He then asked dulcetly, keeping his eyes closed: ‘Surely, Reverend Kelvin Lee, you must know that in the soul saving business, it’s the effort, not result, that counts. Did you not take that missionary position when you went to Hong Kong  five times?’


He knows! God da-da-da…dit, he knows! 

But I had thoroughly repented — sincerely, repeatedly, superfluously…

NOT FAIR!  Fu-fu-fu… fullelujah! 


I felt my cheeks burning for the first time since rigor mortis.


Gabriel waited for my mental shrieks to die down, then lifted his lids halfway. A smug satisfaction radiated through. He tossed his wings out a little — fluff — and adjusted himself in the imaginary chair. 


‘Keep an open mind Kelvin,’ he said in a kinder tone, using my first name. ‘Heaven is just how you had pictured, isn’t it? Shouldn’t you be happy instead? Well, you had obviously failed to contemplate the details, hence the impertinent shock. Calm down and give your admirable situation a good thought. There’s no better place to spend eternity once you’ve come to terms with the mysterious ways Our Lord God the Ultimate Magic and Indescribable Kindness moves.’


The way he spoke and praised God, I could not tell whether he was being wickedly sardonic, or just quaint and officious. I pray that God knows.


‘Will He be back?’ I asked, barely audible.


‘You mean Jesus? Of course. He comes home to spend the occasional Christmas with his Mum. It’s His birthday too, as you well know.’


‘May I ask what has happened to the Trinity then?’


‘Nothing,’ Gabriel said, then nodded thoughtfully, and elaborated. ‘If you’ve bought a box of cereal, and it comes shrink-wrapped with a tube of toothpaste and a Hello Kitty sticker, the three have become one, right?’


My mind kept drifting back to the incredible fact that he knew about my Hong Kong trips, and the inequitable fact that my repeated repentance for years had not been… Hallelujah!


‘You listening?’


‘Yes. Sorry. Yes, Archangel Gabriel.’


‘But it doesn’t mean they’re equally important and inseparable.’ He appeared pleased with his cleverly human analogy with a contemporary twist, and didn’t seem to mind my mental digression. ‘The box of corn flakes will always assume the utmost priority. Fine, some might find the toothpaste useful, but nevertheless secondary in the Divine order of things. As for the cute little sticker? Yes it’s in an odd way part and parcel of the Trinity, but if you chuck it out —’ he threw his hand over the shoulder ‘— nobody would even notice.’


I couldn’t believe I was listening to the Archangel comparing Christ to a tube of giveaway toothpaste.


‘There’s no point asking the Holy Spirit’s whereabouts then.’


‘That’d be most insightful of you, Reverend.’


Gabriel flexed his wings with manifest boredom, then collected them around his body the way women in big flared dresses do before sitting down. ‘So, any more question?’


‘No, Archangel, you’ve been most kind.’


‘Very well then. In that case, I wish you a good stay.’


Gabriel was turning to go when I remembered my neighbour Peter who died before my accident. He was a Buddhist. An okay guy, actually a good guy in many ways, but stubbornly heathenish, and morally indolent. Kind of weird, the vegetarian kind, you know. Now that there really is heaven, and God does exist, I feel vindicated yet sorry for him, and was curious if his sceptical soul was crackling in Hell or being purified in purgatory. If I could put in a good word for him, which I knew would be totally pointless, yet… it could give me some satisfaction.


‘Buddhist? Then he’s probably neither here nor there. Might have reincarnated, or gone to Nirvana. God knows.’


I couldn’t believe my ears. ‘You’re kidding me right?’


‘I kid you not, Sir. Buddhists don’t come here. They don’t even believe in God. You don’t want a bunch of chanting atheists loitering about do you? Only good Christians and Muslims come here.’


Muslims?!


I wished I could faint to take a break from all that nonsense. Muslims and Christians in the same Heaven while Buddhists reincarnate. Great. I took another deep breath, and felt nothing.


Gabriel explained with uncanny sincerity, looking almost sage like. ‘Mystery is infinite, Reverend Lee. Up here, we know many things that they don’t down there,’ he gestured downward, presumably in the direction of Earth. ‘But we don’t know all. Otherwise the mystery wouldn’t be infinite, would it? It seems that after death, you end up somewhere which resembles whatever you believed when alive. You believed in God the Everlasting Truth so bless your soul, here you are. I know some are surprised by the   Heavenly experience, mostly because they had not bothered to envision with reason and clarity when alive. Contrary to what you might think, our Lord of Infinite Wisdom had given up on fixing human stupidity eons ago.’


He paused to stretch his wings again, and crane his neck at the same time like a swan. ‘Muslims and Christians believe in the one same true Him: God, Allah, Yahweh are the One. You are people of the same Book. You share holy stories, Archangels like my humble Self, an assortment of prophets, and a passionately entwined history. So, all ye faithful come here — this very Heaven — if you had been provisionally good. Where else, huh?’


He then added as an after-thought: ‘Mind you, the verdict’s still out. Michael is supposed to work on the logic and logistics of the Last Judgement, but he seems to be taking his time… What if you’ve been provisionally assigned to Heaven, but subsequently found guilty at the Big Trial, or vice versa? The resettlement of millions of souls would be chaotic.’


‘But Muslims are fundamental extremists! Terrorists!’ I interrupted, shrieking. I’d forgotten to breath while he talked. Luckily, asphyxiation no longer harmed me.


‘See? You even have the same epithets for each other. Brothers are brothers.’


‘And Buddhists end up somewhere else?’


‘To the best of my knowledge.’


‘How’s that possible!’


‘Kelvin,’ Gabriel let off a loud sigh, showing off there are things only the Archangels can still do in Heaven. ‘With your kind permission, I shall repeat myself this one final time for your benefit. We don’t exist in the mind of atheists, so how in Heaven’s name do you expect them to come here? They get recycled down there, then, one day, enlightenment! and off they go to Nirvana.’


‘And where’s that?’


‘How do I know?’ he raised his voice a few ominous decibels. ‘Listen, Reverend Lee. If you’re sitting in an Italian Restaurant, being patiently introduced to Chef’s Special by the Manager, don’t you think it’s kind of rude to enquire persistently what the Chinese Restaurant down the road might be serving?’


‘I suppose —’


‘Excellent! You should be happy and proud that what you’ve believed in all your life is true.’


My words, like the air I breath, had also vanished.


Gabriel turned to leave without another farewell, mumbling audibly to himself: ‘All the same. The more you tell, the less they know, and the more they ask, on and on, as if there’s nothing else to do in eternity…’

_____


After Gabriel fades out of sight, I let out a muffled mental murmur, a subdued nasty thought: ‘So long you prissy feathery prig, watch out for planes…’ The juvenile remark, so unlike me, feels great. 


For the first time since arrival, I’m alone in my final resting place. Ironically, now that I’m here, I find Heaven unbelievable.  


I look around. There’s nothing to see.


I think about my life, my recent death. Was it this morning? The pieces refuse to fit. I contemplate my surreal situation and the meaning of perpetuity, and feel emptily nauseous.


In the distance, an angelic zombie drifts by, like a lone sea-horse in a bare aquarium with murky water. I haven’t yet seen anyone fly. Perhaps the wings are for decoration rather than aviation. In that case, there really isn’t any hurry to get mine affixed. I don’t feel hungry, thirsty, or tired. These sensations have ceased. Good, there’ll be no need to find a bed when night falls. Doesn’t look like it will though. That’s right: there’s no darkness in Heaven. How many times had I said that in sermons? I was right!


About thirty yards away, a man with scruffy wings moonwalks by. He’s rapturous, as if high on something. 


I don’t s’pose they have bars around here? Boy, for once, I need a drink. 


That man’s in bliss. He’s in Heaven, no question about that. I wonder what his secret is. Excuse me…? The rest of my question just wouldn’t come out. Oh well, I’ll ask later. Perhaps in a million years or two. What’s the hurry?


‘Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!’ He yells on happily, waving and smiling, blowing kisses in my direction. What an idiot.


I smile back out of politeness. Then, involuntarily, I holler: ‘God is Great! Brother!’ My voice has returned, with a deep resonance which I didn’t have before. The words echo on powerfully. Perhaps only praising and respectful words can come out? It makes sense doesn’t it? There’s no end to everlasting life. If we’re allowed to speak freely, a slip of the tongue might happen once in a billion years. What if we slip into something unforgivably blasphemous? Eternal fire will no longer be an option, especially post Final Judgement! Our words must therefore be purified before leaving the tongue. How clever of our Father Who Lives a Thousand Eternities with Wisdom Shining Through a Billion Universes! 


The man twists away merrily without registering my response, waving his hands above head as if belly dancing, clapping his wings and wriggling his bum to a celestial rhythm. 


Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! Huhuhuhu Akbabar!


Suddenly, my smile explodes into an unstoppable guffaw. I’m roaring, shrieking, bellowing rapturously to sum up my first day of Eternal Life.


YES!  There are no tears in Heaven.


__________________
Posted 9 Dec 2010 on Guo Du Blog
Rev. 8.2021

中文版本「天堂」:http://guo-du.blogspot.hk/2010/12/blog-post_09.html


Heaven is available in printed form in the "Hong Kong Stories - As We See It" anthology:




Thursday 9 December 2010

天堂 :一個沒完沒了的短篇故事




李奉獻牧師死後才發覺

原來他傳教時描述的天堂

基本上正確

只恨自己一直都沒有把永生和天堂的景象仔細參透



我等到 天使長加百利完全消失在茫茫煙霞之後,才鼓起勇氣,在心底最深一角暗自喃喃牢騷了幾句:「再見啦天庭公公!人不像人,鴿不像鴿,陰陽怪氣,小心給飛機撞散哦……」如此幼稚不敬的想法竟然出自我心,一天之前簡直無法想像。不過這無聊的深心一咒,卻很實在地紓緩了胸中的慪氣,令整個靈魂帖服了少許。


哎,這只不過是我得享永生的第一天……


而我估計自己死了大概最多二十個小時左右,來日方長。


鼻子裡還依稀聞到多年來長伴床邊的尿袋;做夢也想不到會有懷念那股臊臭味的一天。醫院裡的尿味跟外面的不同,好像脫過氮,混雜了病房特有的消毒味道,回味令人作悶。相比之下,公廁尿兜那種尿就是尿的氣味比較濃烈實在,直截了當。


我的雙腿正在騰雲駕霧,但虛無縹緲的褲襠裡,仍然隱約感覺到一塊濕透了的尿布,散發着縷縷熱氣,在粗毛毯下摸索出路。老婆略帶誇張的啜泣和阿仔喃喃喃喃的禱告,亦音猶在耳。更難忘的,是多年來與我息息雙連,日以繼夜地催促着我心跳的各種先進設備。一下子失去了它們的電子脈搏,渾身也不踏實。


在未死之前,我不大清楚自己大昏迷了多長時間。


幾個月?幾年?都可能。幾十年?也難講。雖然我的頭腦一直清醒,不過沒有了其它器官的配合,單靠心裡盤算着單調重複的日子,是一件難度極高的事情。反正我知道自己已經昏迷了好一段日子了;亦老早覺得苟延殘喘是一種浪費電力的行為。


最令我失望的是:大昏迷雖然把我與人間的距離不斷拉遠,卻沒有將我送近天國半步。神,雖然沒有在我的信念中搖動過半分,卻始終未曾在我殘餘的知覺裡留下絲毫迹象,表示關心。在冗長的睡夢中,祂一次也沒有探望過我,甚至連親身報個噩夢也沒有。


求求你們,我熬不下去了;請把那機器關掉,讓我投到主的懷抱去安息吧!


唉,談何容易!


我也理解他們有難處。誰又會夠膽拿主意關機呢?難道不怕我兒子李彼得牧師告上法庭?他們自知吃不起這類官司的:輕則身敗名裂,重則可能被告謀殺,絕對犯不着。哎哎哎,都是我自己種下的因,要躺下來受這個苦果。


在車禍之前,我是個有知名度的反墮胎反安樂死宗教人士。代表美國教會在香港捍衛邊際人權。在香港,誰沒有聽過我李奉獻牧師的大名呢?大大話話,上電視跟人家辯論這議題最少有好幾十次。CNN,BBC 都訪問過我。「基督科學箴言報」還稱我為「香港良心」,盛讚我鞠躬盡瘁,不遺餘力地拯救「被遺忘了的生命」。


我整個辦公室掛滿了接受傳媒訪問的照片。


多年來,我無數次慷慨激昂,捶胸頓足地說得十分清楚:「只有上帝!只有上帝才有權賜予生命!也只有上帝才有權收回生命!」誰料上帝好像故意跟我搞諷刺,將我的生命半天吊着玩,既不給予,又不收回,模稜兩可,不湯不水。現在我人死了,才曉得上帝把我吊了足足八年四個月十六日兩小時零二十分,才派天使長米高來收魂。


哎,感謝主,玩夠啦!終於升天堂了!


其實升天堂的事,我從未擔心過。


不是自己誇自己,我這個人循規蹈矩,對老婆負責,對兒子關心,對上帝虔誠,每天五次祈禱,風雨不改。天堂,不就是專門為我這一類死人而設的嗎?


不過,讓我先把老實話吿解在前:活了那麼多年,犯一點點小罪是在所難免的。幸好過去八年多趟在病榻上,甚麼罪都老早重複又重複地懺悔得一乾二淨了!


都是那該死的曼谷。


我第一次去曼谷為教會做事,魔鬼便用卑劣下流的手法誘我犯罪。我下榻的酒店離紅燈區不遠;司機送我回去的時候,總會經過附近流鶯泛濫的街頭。說也奇怪,雖然我對那些衣不蔽體的妓女看也不敢直接看一眼,但每當汽車經過她們聚集的角落時,褲襠裡那團無恥的不隨意肌都會感到陣陣曖昧暖流,好像受到妖氣衝擊,蠢蠢欲動。


一到酒店,我便急忙跑到房間淋冷水浴,然後跪在床邊祈禱,求上帝幫忙,可惜最後都低檔不住魔鬼的引誘。


反正那裡認識我的人不多,不怕給相熟的人碰見……


靜悄悄地,我身不由己地溜了出去,犯下大罪。


往後的四次,犯的雖然是同一樣的罪,卻由於盼望程度上有所不同而令我倍感興奮和內疚。


我每次上了飛機,剛剛扣好安全帶,飛機尚未離地,面上還依稀感覺到老婆濕潤的吻別,便已經急不及待地閉上眼睛祈禱,為晚上將會犯的罪預先作出上期懺悔。你說該死不該死?


算啦算啦!撒旦魔頭那麼厲害,詭計多端,連全能的上帝也沒有法子把他毀滅,我區區一個神職走卒,又哪來抵抗能力呢?所以我基本上沒有苛責自己。想深一層,輸幾個回合給魔鬼,其實在所難免,絕對情有可原。


反正都是陳年往事,一早已經被主寬恕了,否則我現在身處的地方,肯定是熱氣沸騰,四處刀山,八面油鍋的地獄,又怎會是清涼冰冷的天堂樂土呢?


不過,天堂真的是樂土嗎......?



一切都來得很突然。


一秒鐘前我還昏迷得相當穩定,充分滿足了「生命」的法律定義,一秒鐘後就不成了。身旁的一座儀器,像敲喪鐘,又像道士打齋,很執着地響着:叮叮,叮叮,叮叮……人來啊,人來啊!


老婆和彼得終於來了。她為剛去世的丈夫哭喪,彼得為爸爸祈禱。我也在默默的為自己禱告。一時之間我尚未能夠百分百肯定自己已經死去,因為感覺上分別不大,一切依舊冰涼,頂多是比平常略為再冰涼了一點點;就涼了那麼的一點點,便劃出了這條陰陽分界線。


一隻比我更冰冷,但蠻而有力的手突然出現,緊握着我的手腕。


「走吧!」好一把深沉的聲音。


來人一手持劍,一手執天平,為了騰出一隻手來抓我,暫時把劍夾在腋窩。他的樣子嚴肅,甚至有幾分兇狠。但我並沒有把他的不友善態度放在心裡,因為我一眼便認出他是米高天使長。他的招牌形象就是如此的不苟言笑,這一點每個對天國人物有認識的人都應該知道。我是牧師,基督精兵,熟讀聖經,當然清楚。


我大概對自己的眼光太自豪,變得少許失態。「我知道你是誰!天使長米高!」我的聲音興奮得像個小孩,有些嘚瑟。


米高沒有回答,只是冷冷地重複了兩個字:「走吧!」


我看着老婆和阿仔,頓覺依依,令開始屍僵的喉嚨更加咽哽,便要求米高道:「可否再等幾分鐘,等他們先走可以嗎?」


誰料他表情不變,又再簡短的說了聲:「走!」


「那好吧……」我嘗試用輕鬆諒解的語氣說:「沒錯沒錯,今天死的肯定不只我一個,天使長一定比較忙吧。」


米高一聲不吭,拉着我的手,直奔天堂。


我知道米高的天使任務繁多,其中一項雜務是用手中天平把剛去世的靈魂「過磅」,登記入冊,然後帶到天國之門親手交予上帝。他還兼職主將,負責統率天兵與撒旦不斷作戰,所以二十四小時劍不離手。撒旦這鬼東西,當然不可能戰勝全能的耶和華,無奈他又命中注定永不服輸,於是兩批打不死的戰士,整天為一場永遠沒有結果的鬥爭而廝殺,是宇宙級的永恆持久戰。然而拖得太長,始終會變得無聊,所以也很難怪米高的這副面孔。


想到這裡,米高突然轉過頭來,盯了我一眼。我頓時醒覺,冒出一身乾冷汗。哎呀!我現在已經魂在靈界,身旁是個高級天使長,上帝的大內信差,我心裡所想,他當然盡數接收,一清二楚。難道在天國的神仙面前還妄想隱藏點甚麼鬼主意嗎?


我立即為自己的愚昧和不敬感到羞愧,連忙自責。


想到不久便可以親睹上帝的風釆,我既興奮又緊張。見到天父,不知道是應該握手,鞠躬,還是伏地跪拜?這方面聖經沒有指引。我又沒有膽量請教米高。反正禮多神不怪,還是伏地跪拜比較保險,就此決定!


米高好像沒有再留意我腹中的喃喃自語,可能他正在接收其他死人的信息吧。我再次提醒自己不要自以為是,今天死的不只我一個,人家米高是個大忙天使。


我默默地跟着他半飛半走,從白茫茫的一片穿到白茫茫的另一片。自從離開人間之後,暫時一切盡是白茫茫,沒有任何風景可言,比飛機穿過雲層還要單調。


一路上,裊裊不斷的微風,撫擦着米高龐大威猛的翅膀,颯颯作響。他的羽毛白裡透金,非凡奪目,不過好像有些疲態,可能他太忙,疏於打理吧……想到這裡,我突然驚醒過來,急忙把思想轉入正軌。人家是天使長,怎輪到我評頭品足呢?混賬混賬!我立即修正,在腦袋裡高聲讚頌:「哦!米高是美麗的天使!美麗的天使!上帝完美的傑作!」



到了「天國之門」,米高將我過了給加百利。一聲:「你的!」便掉頭離去。加百利對着他的背影回了聲:「謝過啦!」一個簡單得令我心酸的交接儀式。


加百利看來比米高溫雅,我起初還誤以為他就是上帝。他說話拘謹莊重,略為高傲,像個英國紳士管家多過猶太天使。對我來說,他起碼願意開口,不似米高,像個啞巴。


「李奉獻牧師,歡迎閣下蒞臨天堂,吾乃天使長加百利,永恆全能的天父的首席奴才,這裡的總經理。」


「天使長,能夠認識你是我莫大的榮幸!」我激動地說,下意識地合拾胸前。他既然不是上帝,應該不用行大禮跪地膜拜吧。


加百利冷冷地答道:「是嗎?」然後盯着我,久久不作聲,令我不寒而慄。過了十分窘促的十多秒鐘,他才好像如夢初醒的繼續說下去:「那太好了。如果你有甚麼正當原因想見我,隨時歡迎,我需要見你時也自然會找你。一般來說,我不會隨便騷擾在我主天國歡度永生的罪人的。」


「罪人?」


「在全能聖潔的上主面前,我們都是污垢不堪的渣滓罪人。難道你覺得自己不是嗎?」 加百利說畢,歪着嘴笑,同時從鼻孔噴出兩道寒氣。


我不肯定他笑的是甚麼,不過見到天使長笑,便本能地咧嘴陪笑:「當然,那肯定!我是罪人!我罪,我罪,告我大罪!」我一邊說,一邊以右手搥胸,像天主教徒拜彌撒的動作,心想能夠跟總領天使一起分享笑話,也算是件值得紀念的大事。


「來吧!」加百利說畢,往前便飄。


我連忙跟着他飄,想到便去,無需任何肌肉控制。


「天國之門」其實是個虛擬門,沒框沒鎖沒把手。說得再白一點,根本就沒有門。跟天堂其它地方一樣,只不過白茫茫的一片。


不遠處出現了兩個又白又胖的小天使,蹲在那裡發呆,面前擺放着兩根長長的金色大喇叭。他們可愛的小翅膀半張,跟聖誕卡的一樣,我很想過去去摸摸。他們其中一個懶洋洋地瞟了我們一眼,之後又無精打釆地繼續盯着眼前的朦朧。


加百利留意到我望着兩位小天使,便說道:「小夭折。」


「嗯?」 我以為自己聽錯了。


「我至高無上完美無瑕的主曾幾何時很喜歡頭上來一群小夭折打圈,吹喇叭,唱聖詩,覺得很有氣派,結果弄到滿堂小鬼,蒼蠅一樣。幸好祂老人家後來也覺得它們吵鬧討厭,我們才開始嚴格執行有關的篩選規矩,防止未經受洗的小夭折進一步泛濫天庭。」


「那麼他們不再吹甚麼歡迎曲了嗎?」我多口問了句。

加百利瞅了我一眼,說道:「反正不會對你吹。」然後又說:「我是你的話,會與它們保持距離。這些鬼東西一身原罪,惹上了不是說笑的。按照聖經規定,它們還未受洗,根本就沒有資格踏進天堂半步。」


 「感謝天使提點。」 我擺出一副生前說教時用的感恩表情,希望博取加百利好感。


誰知他鄙視地掃了我一眼,糾正我道:「天使長......」他把「長」字拖得很長很長。


我急忙致歉:「不好意思,加百利天使長。不好意思,加百利天使長。」 


我感到侷促不安,渾身不自然。我感覺侷促的時候,習慣輕微搖擺,把重心左右交替來放鬆自己。但我處於無重狀態,擺來擺去也找不到重心。從死亡一刻開始,我便成了真空的一部分,但還沒有適應過來。


加百利花了大概一個下午(天堂柔弱的光線不增不減,清冷濕潤的空氣不垢不淨,永恆如一,又沒有掛鐘或任何其他報時器具,很難確定時間)帶着我無目的地胡亂參觀了一下,略略介紹了我的永恆新居。大部分的時候,他都在吹吹自己較為出名的往績。


他最為世人熟悉的業績,當然是向耶穌媽媽聖母瑪利亞報喜,告訴她即將童貞受孕的一幕。


根據加百利的一手內幕消息,原來瑪利亞的第一反應是歇斯底里:「你有病嗎?處女懷孕?誰會相信?我的未婚夫約瑟肯定第一個拿起石頭把我砸個稀巴爛!」 


加百利見這個女人反應激烈,唯有運用天使權威將她懾服:「你這信念微薄的女人住口!我全能無上的主挑中了你,作為他獨子在地球降生的神聖通道,誰會敢傷害你?」他看見瑪利亞目瞪口呆,便乘機總結:「聽着!你反正沒有選擇餘地,還是乖乖就範,生了算吧!」


加百利承認他起初也不大肯定結果會如何。如果約瑟和鄉紳父老不明大義,按照野蠻傳統把她活活砸死,他也無能為力。到時聖子的胚胎靈魂必需緊急回收,這方面大家都沒有經驗。幸而收魂是米高的專職,與他加百利無關,於是他便沒再多想了。嘿!最後不知怎麼搞的,約瑟竟然二話不說便接受事實,承擔一切責任,整件事情就此過關,確實是個五星級的神蹟!


「聖經上說上帝派了另一位天使說服了約瑟的!」我興奮地解釋道。

加百利突然臉色一沉,對我說道:「你似乎什麼都懂,看來我的介紹有些多餘吧。」


「不是這個意思!絕對不是這個意思!請天使長你不要誤會!」



又經過了一個下午左右的停滯時間,我開始適應了加百利千變萬化的蔑視表情,便大膽問了他幾個問題。他似乎並不介意,還用模糊的啟示形式回答了我。


我瞭解到天堂跟我從聖經上所得資料基本吻合。意想不到的是,這方面的引證不但沒有為我帶來安慰,反而令我忐忑不安。可能是聖經沒有闡明天堂的日常細節,而我生前又從未具體考慮過永恆這個長遠問題,現在切身面對不憂柴米,歷久常清的永生,反而感到空虛和失落,但不敢表露。


我第一個問題是如何弄對翅膀。


來天堂之後,眼見大大小小背上都有一雙翅膀,令我覺得自己光禿禿的背脊很礙眼,甚至略為畸形。加百利的答案是:「不急,順應天時自然有,在拜見天父之後自有安排。不過還得看看有沒有黃色存貨。」


我聽了之後,十分不以為然。老實說,甚麼時候生(或者是戴?裝插?)翅膀,對我來說並不重要。但如果因為我是亞裔人士,便要背負黃翅,那豈非種族歧視?我還是美籍華人呢!也是虔誠的基督徒啊!我越想越覺不忿,正想提出抗議,討個公道,突然間想起聖經從來沒有提過「種族平等」這類概念。馬修第十五章甚至記載了耶穌以迦南女人不是猶太族人為理由,拒絕替她的女兒驅魔。這還不夠清楚?我理性地把憋悶和不滿控制下來,隨即在心中高喊「哈利路亞」,一心不亂,希望假借讚頌上帝的心聲掩蓋內心的不恭。這一來倒令我有點沾沾自喜:才幾個小時,我已經把自我控制思想的工作做了起來,也算得上是個住天堂的人才吧! 


當沒有選擇餘地的時候,所有成功的大人物都懂得逆來順受的哲理,我當然不例外。我把心中的鬱悶噎下之後,用輕鬆幽默的口吻說道:「你看我掛上黃翅膀,會不會像隻公雞?」


加百利嘴角浮現着半兩嘲笑加五錢鄙視,答道:「可能吧。但你不必擔心,有的是時間,更古怪的模樣,早晚也會適應。」


我呆了一呆後,連忙言歸正傳:「我甚麼時候可以見上帝?」


「順應天時自然知。」


我禁不住又在心裡埋怨了一句:「又是順應天時!?也不知一個『天時』究竟多長?」


加百利好像沒有聽到我的心裡話。


算啦,再轉個話題吧。


被米高一路拖拖拉拉升天的時候,我想到不久便可以跟爸媽和叔叔李德理重聚,心裡有無限的期盼和激動。他們都是標準教徒,肯定在這裡。


我向天使長打聽了一下。


「那當然,」他熱心地說:「如果令親在此,你大可以隨便找找,不必客氣。」 


他接着解釋天堂是充滿自由博愛的樂土,不是甚麼法西斯國度。沒有觸犯天條的罪人,可以隨意從無限遠的一端自由自在地飄到另一端,中間隨便休息,天使們絕對不會干擾。


聽到後我十分沮喪;茫茫魂海,叫我到哪裡去找我的親人呢?但我仍然勉強保持沉着,心想只要見到耶穌,便有解救,於是問道:「那麼敢問天使長,我怎樣才可以見到我主耶穌基督呢?」


「你想見祂幹嘛?」


「我生前是基督精兵,現在想見見祂,不合情合理嗎?」在短短的幾個小時內,我本來虔誠溫厚的專業傳道聲線,已經變得僵硬,隱隱地拖着絕望和沮喪的尾音,連我自己也聽得出來。


加百利原地坐下,身後好像有張無形沙發把他接個正着。


他揮手示意我也坐下來。我小心翼翼地蹲下去,雖然感覺不到屁股下面有甚麼家具支撐,但放膽把全身放鬆之後,竟然很自然地凌空架着,挺舒服。哈!終於發現天堂也有些過癮之處啦!


天使長望着我玩了一陣「無形櫈」,才一臉嚴肅地問:「你不是也有個兒子嗎?」


「沒錯沒錯,他也是神職人員。」 我一向很為彼得而驕傲。


「你們之間,間中有矛盾嗎?」


「那難免啦天使長!不過感謝主,我通常都可以證明他的不是,努力幫助他改正過來。」


「我無上慈悲萬劫不衰的真主和祂的兒子也難免有時候鬧些小矛盾。」

我聽後大吃一驚,說:「我跟彼得是平凡罪人,而天父,聖子,聖神,是三位一體的完美結晶,又怎可以相提並論呢?」


「神是萬能的,有甚麼不可以?」加百利淡淡的反問了一句,不犯邏輯,我無言以對。他跟着把霜白的眉頭緊皺起來,表現得極不耐煩,然後用教訓的口吻對我說:「你動動腦筋想想看:兩父子,沒完沒了的跟頭白鴿綁成一捆,幾十萬億個千古下來,不互相排斥已算萬幸,鬧點意見是意料中事,很正常,有甚麼值得李奉獻牧師你閣下大驚小怪的呢?」


我一下子不知道應該說甚麼好,於是說:「我真的不知道應該說甚麼好......」 


我感覺十分沮喪,想吸口氣,大嘆一聲來發洩;但吸進去的氣,不知怎的消失得無影無蹤。一口氣漏掉了,上不了來,我連忙深深再吸,但效果一樣,看來這口氣嘆不成了。試問永恆的樂土之上,又豈能容忍悲慽慽的長吁短嘆呢?我這一刻才突然真的覺得自己是個死人。


加百利看着我連連抽氣,像個初生嬰兒好奇地把弄自己陌生的腳趾一樣,不齒地冷笑了一聲,然後說道:「告訴你吧,聖子在地獄。」


「哇!」我不由自主地怪叫了一聲,從無形沙發上跳起來,站在加百利面前。如果我體內還有血,肯定會吐一大口出來,噴他身上。


「看你那副樣子!上帝的獨生子去地獄出差有甚麼大不了?他當初不是也去了人間做救世主嗎?你以為人間比地獄好很多嗎?反正祂說天堂生活太枯燥,又說一天到晚不停地讚頌祂至高無上,全能聖潔的父親,對祂的心理狀態有不良影響,令他發展不平衡,於是要求到地獄去。他說那裡充滿牛鬼蛇神和失落靈魂,特別需要輔導。祂以前投胎到人間去,不也是這個心態驅使的嗎?」


「但但……但……」我突然犯起口吃,甚麼也說不出來。

加百利完全沒有理睬我,繼續說下去:「其實祂走開一下對大家都好。自從祂父親搞了個埃及大瘟疫之後,倆父子就老有點齟齬。兒子覺得老人家不論人畜,把所有頭胎生的通通殺掉,是濫殺無辜。那孩子就是心腸軟,沒有爸爸的威猛殺氣,一向如是。」


「但但但……」但了十來聲,我終於衝破了喉頭的屏障,繼續說了下去:「但地獄之火永不熄滅,是永恆的懲罰,讓不信服主的靈魂永不超生地燒!燒!燒!主耶穌親入地獄,豈非徒勞無功?」


加百利豎起眉毛,橫瞅了我一眼,然後把眼睛半閉。他前額仍然收緊,向上提着銀白的雙眉,以一副不耐煩得快要爆炸的樣子,慢吞吞地說道:「你閣下生前是牧師,難道不明白,拯救靈魂這玩意只講耕耘,不論收穫的嗎?李牧師你先後去了泰國傳道五次,不也是採取了同一個『姿勢』嗎?」他說到「姿勢」兩個字的時候,把眉頭一鬆,緩緩張開眼皮,用 「你別跟我來者一套」的眼神盯着我,然後頓了一頓,才把「嗎」字吐出,明顯語帶雙關。


我簡直嚇傻啦!心想:「連他也知道?連姿勢也知道?他媽......哇!吖!呀哪哪呱呱……都知道了!我已懺悔了成千上萬次,還拿出來提,太不公平了……」


唉,那,不公平又怎麼樣?


他說畢,面上明顯多了一陣勝利的得意,散發着天使般的光輝,令他看上去年輕了幾年。噗的一聲,他把翅膀輕輕乍了一乍,雍容地把屁股在無形沙發上扭動了幾下,調整坐姿。


我還沒又完全回復過來,心裡還嘰哩咕嚕在想:他真的都知道……然後才猛然醒起自己身處天堂,於是高聲大喊:「 哈利路亞!哈利路亞!」。


幾年來,我第一次感覺到面額發熱。


加百利可能留意到我本來紫青色的面上透着瘀紅,覺得比較滿意,於是換了個和藹慈祥的聲音說:「奉獻牧師,別往死裡想吧。放開懷抱,一切都好。你看看,天堂有甚麼地方不是如你所信,如你所願?只不過你以前沒有把永恆生活具體想透罷了。但怎麼說也好,天堂終歸是天堂。當你習慣了慈祥我主無邊法力下的玄妙現實之後,你一定會認同這裡是歡度永恆最好不過的地方。」


「他會回來嗎?」我的聲音,自己聽起來也覺得有些疏遠。


「誰?聖子?當然啦,他間中會回來跟他媽過聖誕的。」


「那三位一體還算數嗎?」


「算!當然算!為什麼不算?打個比方,你到超市買了盒玉米片,人家免費送你一條牙膏和凱蒂貓紙貼一小塊,用透明玻璃紙包在一起,那算不算三位一體?」


我沒有回答,心裡不停在喃喃 「哈利路亞」。


加百利繼續說下去:「但那並不表示一個包裝裡的三樣東西有同等價值。免費來條小牙膏可能很受歡迎,但整個組裝仍然以玉米片為主,對不對?至於那小貼紙,假如你隨手扔掉,根本就沒有人會留意到。」


「聽你的這說法,看來沒必要請教聖神的下落了吧?」


「那鴿子?我想再沒有這個必要吧。」 加百利不經意地說完之後,把翅膀輕輕拋了一下,再包回身上,有點兒像穿了寬身百褶裙的中年女人,在坐下來之前的準備動作。他不急不忙,把煞白的縴縴十指互扣着,擺在胸前,問我道:「還有其它問題沒有?」


「沒有啦天使長,感謝你的指引,哈利路亞!」 我的聲音,一點誠意也沒有。


「太好了。祝你永恆快樂,告辭啦!」


他正想轉身飄走之際,我忽然間想起以前的鄰居兼同學韓芹。韓芹學佛,算是個異教徒。雖然人品還可以,但吃素的,古古怪怪,嚴重缺乏道德使命感,跟基督徒是兩個極端。現在我既然已經證實了真的有天堂,神也確實存在,算是爭了口氣,但同時也替老韓和自己難過;他信錯了固然要受苦,但我信對了又如何?


那麼韓芹的下場會是甚麼呢?我敢問天使長一句。


你猜他的答案是甚麼?「天曉得!他信佛?大概輪迴去了吧。如果道行夠,也可能到涅槃去啦。」


我簡直不相信自己的耳朵。「輪迴?涅槃?天使長你別跟我開玩笑吧!」

「誰有空跟你開玩笑?佛教徒跟其他無神論者一樣,有他們自己的虛幻世界。只有基督徒和回教徒能夠上升天堂,下掉地獄。」


我當時真希望能夠昏死過去,讓自己歇一歇,好消化這突如其來的荒誕信息。我再嘗試抽一大口氣,但未到肚裡便化為烏有。


加百利略帶輕浮地繼續解說下去:「牧師哥哥,萬有神秘,無窮無盡。在這裡,我們知的確實比凡間裡知道的多,但總不能盡知啊,否則就談不上無窮啦,對不對?反正你們生前信甚麼,死後便到甚麼地方去,各得其所,各就各位。你生前篤信我主無量真光,有濃厚的天堂概念,死後來這裡兌現過永恆,沒有甚麼不妥當吧?」


加百利越來越顯得不耐煩;他把翅膀伸開,鬆了鬆頸項,才說下去:「回教徒和基督徒篤信同一真主:上帝,安拉,耶和華,名字隨你叫,反正獨一無二假不了。你們的信仰同出一源,相同的聖書,相同的故事,相同的天使長,相同的先知,全部如出一輒。兩兄弟一千多年來息息雙關,怨怨相報。死了之後到這裡或地獄重逢,還不理所當然?」他頓了頓,自言自語地加了句:「當然,理論上你來了天堂也不應太過得意,米高那傢伙還沒有按我頂級偉大無始無終真主的意思把「最終審判」的邏輯和靈魂物流理順,到時還有煩的呢……」


我忍無可忍之下高聲喊道:「但他們是狂熱分子,有些還是恐怖分子!」他剛才在解釋的時候,我一直屏着氣聽,幸好停止呼吸已經對我沒有甚麼不良影響。


「看!你們連互相給對方的綽號也一樣:甚麼狂熱恐怖分子,還不是兩兄弟?偉大的真主安拉上帝億萬萬萬萬歲!」


「你還說佛教徒自己搞輪迴,究竟涅槃?」


「大概是吧……」


「那怎麼可能呢?!」我又再大叫起來,自知有點失控,但已經不再在乎。


「李奉獻!你仔細再想想看!他們根本就不相信有神,又怎會來到天堂呢?說句實話,他們來了我也不收!倒不如由他們自生自滅搞輪迴,到時到候有因有果地涅槃涅槃?」


「那涅槃又在甚麼地方呢?」


「你問我,我問誰?」加百利冷冰冰,慢吞吞地說道:「老兄,如果你在一家高級意大利餐廳坐了下來,人家經理不厭其煩地把菜單向你逐一介紹,你卻不停地問他有關街口中國餐館的瑣事,你覺得這是不是有些討厭,不識趣,沒禮貌呢?」


「我想......」


「想甚麼想!」天使長一句把我的想法打掉。「大家兩兄弟以和為貴,別搞那麼多怨氣啦!你奉獻了一生,現在終於得到永生,就別再胡思亂想,乖乖地享受,知嗎?反正恭喜你啦!」


我本來再想說點甚麼,但甚麼也說不出來。


加百利趁機不辭而別。他一邊走一邊自言自語:「要說的都說啦!知得越多越糊塗,問得越多,沒完沒了。有幾個永恆夠給你煩?哈!假如他知道每個人的天堂都不同,視乎個人心境的話,不瘋才怪!」


我等加百利完全消失在茫茫煙霞之後,才鼓起勇氣,在心底最深一角暗自喃喃牢騷了幾句:「再見啦天庭公公。人不像人,鴿不像鴿, 陰陽怪氣,小心給飛機撞散哦……」 



我終於有機會自己一個靜下來仔細看看天堂, 看看我期待了一生的永恆安息之所了。 


一大片又一大片的白茫茫……


間中有一兩個天使或罪人飄過。


他們絕大部分都有翼,但都只是腳跟不着地地飄拂,沒有展翅飛翔。也許翅膀是用來裝飾用,沒有飛行能力的吧。有三兩個像我一樣,背上光禿禿的沒有插翼,大概也是新鮮死的。他們臉上表情茫然,無目的地飄盪着,看來也需要時間消化天堂這個事實。


我不餓不渴也不睏。很明顯,天堂裡沒有這些不好的感覺。既然沒有吃飯和睡覺的麻煩,便沒有必要找個地方住下來。我以前傳道時不也常說嗎?天堂裡沒有黑暗。看來我沒有騙人:這裡只有永恆的白晝……


不遠處有個毛翼蓬鬆的罪人飄忽而過。他面露狂喜,好像喝醉了酒。我心想,如果附近有酒吧,倒也希望破例,痛痛快快地喝它三五十瓶下去。那人看上去極其快樂,名副其實的人在天堂!我本想請教他的秘密,但又再次感覺到心裡的話出不了口。反正沒甚麼好急的,往後的日子多着,過三兩百萬年再問也不遲。


「安拉真個好!安拉真個好!」那狂喜之人對着我開心大叫,一隻手高舉,瘋狂揮舞,另一隻手向我猛送飛吻,真個是快樂忘形。


我起初只是禮貌的回報一笑,誰知那輕輕一笑竟然自動升級,越笑越放。我在自己笑聲的回響和震盪之中,向着他叫喊過去:「欽崇一天主萬有之上!天父偉大!再活千萬個永恆之歲!」 之後還不自覺的加了一句:「兄弟……」 


哈,讚頌的說話,一下子便出了口,聲大洪亮,還有回音,動聽!


想落是有其中道理的:人在天堂如果暢所欲言,不小心說了句褻聖的話怎辦?不嚴懲嗎?不成體統,要罰又無從下手。天堂是永恆樂土,絕不能動不動把犯規的罪人扔落地獄燒,搞到天翻地覆。所以最佳辦法還是把不應該說的話,在未出口前用神蹟過濾乾淨。至聖至高,榮耀光芒照遍宇宙的天父啊!你想過的東西實在太完美,太無懈可擊了!


眼看那似醉非醉的懾青鬼跳着土皮舞,飄忽漸遠。他雙手不停的在頭頂亂舞,打着節拍。屁股和翅膀一上一下配合着扭動,口中大嚷:「安拉真個好!安拉真個好!拉拉拉拉真個好……!」


我不隨意的笑聲不斷在自動增強,擴散,欲罷不能。我抬頭仰望天上之天,放開懷抱,縱聲狂嚎,用震耳欲聾的歡笑聲,總結了永生的第一天。

終於明白到,何謂天堂無淚。

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