The Caucasus (1) — A Brief Intro 高加索掠影（1）－文明摇篮的面貌

Azerbaijan 阿塞拜疆

A few months ago, I was still misspelling Caucasus as “Caucuses”. Now that I’ve visited Azerbaijan, Armenia, and Georgia for 18 days, less travel time, I have learnt a few trivia about the Southern Caucasus, and formed some superficial impressions of my own.

老實說，幾個月前，我連高加索是哪個「索」字也搞不清。但花了18天時間參觀南高三國 －－ 阿塞拜疆，亞美尼亞，格魯吉亞 －－之後，除了知道了一點點他們的歷史文化和風土人情外，也對這歐亞要塞多了幾分模糊印象和片面看法。

Tsminda Sameba Church against Kazbegi 格魯吉亞著名的卡茲別吉風貌

The Caucasus (2) — Religion 高加索掠影（2）－宗教

Link to Previous Post: The Caucasus (1) — A Brief Intro

鏈接到上一篇：高加索掠影（1）－文明搖籃的面貌

We are supposed to be tolerant of religion no matter how absurd it is; but religions have not been very tolerant of others. Throughout the Caucasus, there’s nearly nothing left of its pre-Christian glories; they have been brutally destroyed or craftily painted over by organised religions long ago. All that’s left from five millennia of Caucasian civilisation are churches, cathedrals, monasteries, and memories of savage conflicts incited by gods. In less than three weeks, I saw a lifetime’s worth of crosses and churches and monasteries. I suspect there are more crucifixes and monasteries in Armenia and Georgia than in Heaven itself. 

無論多荒誕的宗教，現代文明人都不只要包容，還得尊重。這國際規矩是由宗教文化養大的人定的，不得破壞。但回顧歷史，宗教本身對異見通常不留情面，手起刀落。在有幾千年歷史的高加索，差不多所有古蹟都是四世紀歸奉了基督以後的遺物。在這之前的異教建設，祭祀聖殿之類，都被清洗乾淨，考古無從。幾千年老的文明搖籃，剩下的都是教堂和修道院。我看在亞美尼亞和格魯吉亞的十字架，可能比天堂的還要多。

Pilgrims at Geghard Cave Monastery, Armenia
亞美尼亞 Geghard 山洞修院的朝聖信徒

Movie Review: September 11, the New Pearl Harbour

「中文鏈接」

September 11, the New Pearl Harbor, a five-hour documentary by Massimo Mazzucco, surprises even a reasonably informed “Conspiracy Theorist” like myself. It's an eye-opening tour of the glaringly questionable tragedy. Mazzucco packs a prodigious amount of irrefutable information into three DVDs without sacrificing clarity, objectivity, or “entertainment values”. Issues are explained in lay terms before queries are raised. Prominent Debunkers — defenders of the official story — then answer or “debunk” these queries. The audience is left to make his own judgement.

We all like to bemoan mass ignorance, though wholesale stupidity isn’t necessarily bad from a selfish standpoint. It makes life easier in a hyper-competitive world.

There are exceptions though. Witnessing the mass gullibility surrounding 911 is unsettling and ominous, like being locked up with a roomful of blind and gung-ho idiots. 911 is a blatant atrocity of historic proportion and consequence, but ironically also the most clearly documented to those who care to look. Yet few would bother. Is it in fact collective connivance rather than mass ignorance of ming-boggling proportion then? Perhaps it’s simply too disturbing, even frightening, to look; so everyone turns his head the other way. Life goes on.

影評：911 － 重演珍珠港

[Link to English Review]

Massimo Mazzucco 的紀錄片 September 11, the New Pearl Harbor，收集了大量各方面的證據，足以錄滿三隻 DVD，連播五個小時而毫無冷場。片中把每一個技術論點都以淺易的方法清楚介紹後，才發出疑問。而每一個疑問之後，都播放了各 「官方代言人」 的駁斥，讓觀眾自己作出判斷。

雖然大家都喜歡埋冤 「大眾愚昧」， 但大眾的愚昧其實對個人來說並非壞事。能夠正確洞察到大眾愚昧，等於自己相對聰明，競爭能力相對提升，「搵食」也容易了。不勞而獲或者少勞多得的機會增加了，心底應該暗暗高興才是！不過凡事都有例外。大眾對十五年前 911事件的愚昧，再繼續下去的話，後果會越來越嚴重，不止搞出阿拉伯人命那麼簡單。

A New EurAsian Century?

「鏈接繁體中文版：夢想亞歐新紀元」

While stock markets climb relentlessly, humanity sits blithely at the brink of self-destruction through military conflicts and environmental devastation. But being only at the brink also means we may still be able to avoid it. I believe a key hope depends on how successful Eurasia manages to restore a world order which belongs to the world, not just one or two bullies. Unthinkable? Not according to history.

For years, the Western media have been hyperventilating between China’s “imminent collapse by five in the afternoon” and a looming “Chinese Century”. Entertaining only extreme outcomes, however, they overlook a highly probable scenario outside their thinking box — a multi-polar world evolving around a Eurasian axis.  This is a scenario which dominated most of human history until very recently — the last century or two.

夢想亞歐新紀元

Link to English Version: [A New EurAsian Century?]

链接到国内新浪网：［梦想欧亚新纪元］

這個歌舞昇平，股票飆升的世界，其實十分危險。一下擦槍走火，隨時要承受人類史上最嚴重的災難。不過有危便有機。我相信化解目前危機的一個現實希望，是歐亞攜手創造一個真正屬於大多數人的世界新秩序，擺脫單靠槍桿子打造一言堂的所謂 「世界秩序」。難以想象？但幾千年來，這世界絕大部分時候都由歐亞主導，並非什麼新噱頭。

西方的 「自由傳媒」 散播中國威脅論多年，已成耳邊之風。它們這分鐘預測中國會於今天下午收工前崩潰，另一分鐘估計中國即將取代美國；二十一世紀會是 「中國世紀」 云云。這兩個極端的預測都很刺激，戲劇性豐富，迎合市場口味，卻忽略了最有可能發生，也最應該發生的 「歐亞新秩序」。

回覆日本人寫給中國人的信

友人傳來一封網上流行，據說是一個日本人寫給中國人的信。標題很有感嘆，說：「一封日本人寫給中國人的信（讀完心好痛，感覺無法呼吸）」

http://mp.weixin.qq.com/s?__biz=MjM5MTI0NjEwMA==&mid=225915553&idx=5&sn=3b6608866051c4f633144a7276ae55f1&scene=5#rd

哈！我看罷此信，卻十分安心，呼吸暢順。文中所提到的很多缺點，的確是中華民族的「弱點」，但也同時是強項，人生就是這樣模稜兩可。「刀沒有兩頭利」，中國的哲人在這方面看得很透，這智慧也深入民間。

「中國人」 對付外族侵略很有經驗，所以很實際，處下風陷絕境之時，不會包條頭巾做 「神風死士」，或剖腹放腸餵野狗。那麼暫時容忍，甚至服從侵略者，是否等於「投降」呢？從歷史的角度看，倒要放長雙眼！蒙古當時是「外族」，打敗了中國，幾百年後變成「中國的少數民族」，在五星旗上一顆小星。與蒙古人一般凶悍，但文化修養較佳的女真人，亦復如是。滿清皇帝最後漢語比自已的母語強。日本人上次給跑掉了，是緣分，否則也是同樣下場，三百年後要受中央政府特別保護，穿和服跳舞娛樂遊客。可惜日本自投羅網的機會可能已經難逢了。。。

Fake Eggs of China

鏈接到中文版：中國的假蛋風雲

Remember them fake eggs from China? I do. The crisis was indirectly responsible for the blindness and cerebral seizure of many innocent Hongkongers. For a number of years, it even promised to bankrupt me. How could I forget? 

It must have been five to six years ago. I was lunching with a table of Hong Kong friends in the mainland. Someone brought up the subject of fake eggs when supposedly real ones, suspiciously scrambled beyond recognition, were being served. To my surprise, nearly everyone had something to add to the story. Fake eggs were evidently more common than I had thought. 

“Has anyone seen one?” I enquired, tortured by curiosity. 

“Oh yes, many have!” one said, sure as eggs were not eggs, though she had not seen one personally.

“My auntie has! There’re dozens on YouTube! Everyone trusts my auntie.”

“My second cousin’s wife’s father-in-law swallowed one, soft boiled, and died three months later.”

“Your second cousin’s father?” Dumbfounded, I closed my eyes and drew exfoliating breaths of filtered indoor air to safeguard my own version of reality. I had learnt that trick from a guru on YouTube, long before it existed.

Visions started coming to me, in rainbow coloured slides, like Powerpoint. 

中國的假蛋風雲

Link to English Version: Fake Eggs from China

還記得大陸的假雞蛋嗎？我當年曾經目睹不少親友因為假蛋而失明或思想癱瘓。而自己也為了假雞蛋而飽受隨時破產的威脅，畢生難忘。

大概是五六年前的事了。當時和一班香港友人在深圳吃飯。正當服務員端上一道原貌全非，真假難辨的芙蓉蛋之際，有人提出了大陸遍地假蛋的問題。一時間，席上議論紛紛，似乎每個人對假蛋都有某程度的個人經歷。

我越聽越心寒，忍不住問道：“有人見過假蛋嗎？”

“有！當然有！很多人都見過！”

“我四姑婆就見過！在 YouTube 上都是教人做假蛋的視頻！你沒看過？”

“我五表嫂的家公去年食了半生熟假蛋，三個月後死了！害人不淺哦！”

“你表哥的老爸吃了假蛋身亡？” 說罷，我感到一陣昏眩。身邊的人和桌上的芙蓉蛋都開始游移，變得虛幻。難道剛才吃了芙蓉假蛋？我連忙汽運丹田，舌頂上顎，閉目吐納，暫時顧不得社交儀容。

Being Defensive About China

「鏈接：中國人的輿論抗戰」

I can’t help being unfashionably “defensive” when it comes to the daily barrage of China bashing tirades. Why? Because I see the smokes of a “propaganda invasion” everywhere. Perhaps it’s just my paranoia? So what if it is. They said China was paranoid in kicking out Google and Facebook, and continue to say so with a straight face even after Edward Snowden so, there you go. Plus paranoia would be an affordable price, given the abominable examples in the Middle-East, Africa, and Eastern Europe.

中國人的輿論抗戰

[Link to: Being Defensive About China]

有人說我很偏袒中國，對凡事都醜化中國人的評論，看到便忍不住口要駁斥。

他們說的沒錯，因為我清楚見到國際上的宣傳炮彈亂飛，造成遍地白痴，甚至國破家亡。當然有人會說這不過是我神經過敏。就由他說吧。當初中國把谷歌和 Facebook（臉書）踢走，也被很多人罵神經過敏，思想落後。直到斯洛登大爆內幕後，部分人仍然死不肯改變看法。面對盲目偏見，唯有嬉笑怒罵，或一笑置之。再環顧全球，神經不過敏的後果由中東到非洲到東歐，比比皆是。看來一個國家的神經系統，還是寧敏莫鈍較為保險。

這場不常規的世界大侵略，可以說是兩個世紀來帝國侵略的變態延續。在這場反帝國侵略的抗爭中，中國是後來者，處被動狀態，而明眼的中外人士，一直都偏於保守沈默，甘守下風，很少積極反抗。

The Grievances Behind Occupy Central

 鏈接中文：「佔中背後的怨氣來源」

Now that the Occupy Central dust has settled in the landfills, it’s time to take a step back to try to understand the nature of the discontent.

When everyone was preoccupied with Occupy Central, I noticed a general distinction between the yellow and blue sympathisers I knew. The blue ones were on average the more analytical type — techies and scientists etc. Yellow supporters tended to be more passionate than left-brained. They felt it in their heart that something needed addressing, but couldn’t quite put their finger on it. Some people could be highly intelligent, yet refuse to subordinate an emotional response to cerebral scrutiny as a matter of principle. They regard analysis less true than feeling. I feel the same way too in many things. But politics is a notable exception. Modern politics has been plagued by crafty  professionals whose job is to incite and manipulate mass emotions, and suppress rationality.

In ‘My Take on Occupy Central’ (http://guo-du.blogspot.hk/2014/09/my-take-on-occupy-central.html), I suggested that OC protesters did have legitimate grievances, but were derailed, even hijacked, by dubious politicos and Democracy quacks waving the vacuous banner of Freedom and Democracy in front of their eyes.

佔中背後的怨氣來源

[LINK to English: The Grievances Behind Occupy Central]

佔中幕後的種種原因很多人已經分析過了。目的為搞事而搞事的政棍無賴，市民大眾自有判決，暫時無需多講。但很多支持或同情者，其實都沒有不良意圖。究竟他們的怨氣由甚麼形成呢？我想趁佔中暫時塵埃落定，垃圾已被妥善堆填之際，嘗試剖析一下。

佔中期間，朋友們有黃有藍，界線鮮明。大概來說，撐藍的多數是搞科技做生意的人，比較面對現實和著重分析。撐黃的很多都是藝術家，音樂師，和瑜伽老師之類。他們的腦筋不一定是次貨，但性格使然，喜歡跟隨心性，不太注重分析。他們同情佔中，主要是覺得社會有很多不是之處，只是說不出個所以然。

我在早前的一篇博文 “佔中如何收科” （http://guo-du.blogspot.hk/2014/09/blog-post_29.html） 裏也說過，被利用佔中的人，很多都有股值得同情和關注的怨氣，可惜被民主政棍和其他勢力舞動 “自由民主” 的漂亮標籤分了心蒙了眼，看不見怨忿的根源，其实是日益嚴重的財富差距和越來越呆滯的階級流動。

Beautiful North (4) Santa and Locusts Part (1) - Lapland

「鏈接到中文版：芬蘭聖誕與蝗蟲上集」

This X’mas, we were part of a locust cloud in Santa’s homeland, warmly welcomed by the cool Finns. Before getting into all that, first a few words and photos on Lapland. 

Santa’s home at Rovaniemi was an elfish shopping mall, kinda cute but not enough to raise goosebumps. Lining up for half an hour with my ten-year-old to take a picture with Father Christmas used up a lot of paternal love, but Santa surprised me. He was a gracious old man, appearing more regal than drunk, and perplexingly committed to being photographed all day with dumb tourists. He greeted us enthusiastically in Chinese: “Ho ho ho! Ni Hao Ma?” His felt slippers were ginormous, approximately three times my size — 130?

Rovaniemi was worth a one-day visit. An hour and a half northward by bus was Levi, where everything, except the food, had a magical air. 

美麗北國（4）－芬蘭聖誕與蝗蟲（第一部分）：Lapland

LINK to English [Santa and Locusts]

聖誕期間，我和家人在芬蘭北部 Lapland 做了“蝗蟲”，在冰冷的北極圈內受到當地人熱情招待，頗有感受。在分享蝗蟲經驗前，先來看看芬蘭著名的聖誕村是個甚麼模樣。

聖誕老人在小鎮 Rovaniemi 的家，是個小精靈購物村。跟他老人家拍照留念，除了要付款，還得排隊半小時以上！哎，為了十歲的女兒，我最後也排上了。想不到聖誕老人挺有氣派，不象是街上隨便抓來應節的臨時演員。他對整天跟遊客拍照的單調工作，似乎十分投入。臉上掛著招牌鬍子，腳下穿了巨大絨鞋的聖誕老人，坐在木椅上，用不錯的中文跟我們打招呼：“呵呵呵！你們好嗎？”

Levi 的下午／黃昏景色

Beautiful North (4) Santa and Locusts Part (2) - Locusts

鏈接中文版「芬蘭聖誕與蝗蟲之（2）－ 蝗蟲論」

While I was in Levi, a South China Morning Post article reported that Chinese tourists in Lapland have increased dramatically in the past few years. The writer somehow linked the surge to growth of Christianity in China, which was “expected to become the largest Christian country within 15 years,” according to some Professor Yang (a Chinese name! He must know!) of Purdue University, Indiana. “As more and more people become Christians, Christmas celebrations will become even more widespread.” Prof Yang evidently didn’t know that in Finland, as in many parts of Europe, Christmas had been a major pagan festival long before Jesus slipped out of his virgin mother. To the largely secular Finns, Joulu, their most important annual festival, has more to do with winter than Christ. Well, it was an SCMP article.

One thing in it was actually true though: There were plenty of Chinese tourists. Since the average Finn couldn’t tell a real Chinese from a Hong Kong counterfeit, I was part of a locust cloud — a term used by some Hongkongers to caricature mainland visitors.

美麗北國（4）－芬蘭聖誕與蝗蟲（第2部分）：蝗蟲論

[Link to English: Santa and Locusts Part (2) - Locusts]

在Levi 度假期間，收到友人分享一篇香港 “南華早報” 的報導，說 Lapland 近年的中國旅客，有激增之勢。作者的論點奇特。他解釋中國人到Lapland旅遊，是因為國內基督教崛起。他引述美國Purdue 大學楊教授（有中文名的美國教授，當然是中國國情專家啦！）的見解，說越來越多中國人信奉基督教，所以聖誕節日漸風行。他還預測中國會在15年內成為全球最大的基督教國家。楊教授似乎不知道北歐人的 Joulu，在耶穌未從他的處女媽媽體內冒頭前的好幾個世紀，已經是個大節。對宗教觀念淡薄的北歐人來說，Joulu歷史悠久，懷有北方人面對嚴冬的傳統精神。耶穌降生這傳說，是後來的插曲。香港報章重創意，輕事實，所以也見怪不怪。但環顧四周，果然不少黃面孔同胞。一般的芬蘭人分不開正宗炎黃子孫和港產A貨，那我豈不是變了某些港人口中的“蝗蟲”！

The Second Enlightenment - Debunking Democracy

中文鏈接：二次啓蒙運動 破除民主迷信

More people are waking up to the fact that
populist democracy controlled by money is a political dead-end. 

However, just as enlightened individuals the likes of Galileo and Newton dared not denounce God, modern-day democracy skeptics are hesitant to challenge its sanctity. Without God, one’s doomed. Without democracy, life’s unthinkable. That’s the mantra. Don’t question.

Capitalistic liberal Democracy bears many resemblances to its religious precursor. God and Democracy are similarly upheld by faith rather than reason, analysis, or performance benchmarks. Democracy has replaced God in most of ex-Christendom, equally absolute and undefinable. Politics in the USA, France, Italy, Greece, Japan, India, Switzerland, Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya etc. all differ in form, substance, and spirit. Even blood relatives like the US and UK have markedly different political structures and traditions. But as long as they hoist an approved Democracy banner, all is fine. Like God, Democracy is tautologically perfect. Details are unimportant.

二次啓蒙運動：破除民主迷信

English link: Second Enlightenment - Debunking of Democracy

越來越多人開始醒覺到肆意式西方民主，

搭個資本主義，對老百姓來說是末路一條。

连当初宣布 “历史终结” 的主教级民主学者福山教授，也改变了看法，对民主的现状和前景表示担忧。只有民主喽啰们仍然懵然不知，继续歇斯底里地高喊口号。不过就算较为清楚民主弊病的人，也甚少直接指出西方民主是当今很多社会问题的核心，好像 “民主” 是上帝，批评要懂分寸，适可而止。从前的科学天才如伽里略和牛顿者，也不敢漏半句怀疑上帝的话。不信上帝，天诛地灭。没有民主，民不聊生。这是圣经，是真理，是咒语。要一心不二地念熟，不要多想多问。

西方话语下的民主世界，与宗教相似之处甚多。要知道，所谓西方社会，大体上是 “基督教世界” 的延续。欧洲经过近两千年的神权统治，脱离了上帝只不过是很近期的事，很大程度上社会里仍然潜伏着宗教迷信，並不出奇。

宗教和民主都依靠信念做基础，事实分析和客观成就均属次要。民主也和上帝一样，没有具体定义。美国，法国，意大利，希腊，日本，印度，瑞士，伊拉克，阿富汗，利比亚，等等等等的政治模式，理念，和文化，完全不同。连英美两兄弟的政制也大有出入。但他们都在“自我批准” 的民主旗帜下呐喊，在老大的支配下互相推举，俨然一体。民主与上帝，都是 “好” 的绝对标准，不容置疑。

How Beijing Can Reoccupy Hong Kong

[鏈接到中文版]

To most people, it has been painfully obvious from the onset that the ostensible objectives of Occupy Central don’t stand any chance. After more than a month of chaos, it’s perhaps time for Beijing to make a move, and use the opportunity to start Hong Kong’s reunification, belatedly, 17 years after its official return. 

中央出手可以扭轉港局

[Link to English Version]

經過個多月的佔中混亂，可能是中央和特區政府考慮收拾殘局，為香港的長遠前途作打算的時候了。我認為這是國家把香港納入“一國” 軌跡的黃金時機。雖然遲了十七年，總比繼續失控好。

Between Lives

鏈接到中文版「生死之間」

“Ding! Seventeenth Floor,” the elevator announces in its cloying robotic voice, after having skipped all the inauspicious numbers in Chinese and Western superstitions. 

“Excuse me,” I force through the sombre crowd, most of them absorbed in their phones, unwilling to move, oblivious to my impatient elbows.

Every time I step into the lobby of the female geriatric ward, I feel instantly depressed by the morbidity in the air. Come to think of it, 17th is actually 14th, after adjusting for the missing 4th, 13th and 14th floors. They can fool numerology but not structural reality, or the embedded curse.

I nod to the duty nurse in passing, again. She’s starting to look curious. I’ve been coming in and going out every ten minutes today. I head straight to Room 1704. For some reason, they have not deleted inauspicious room numbers as well. For the past four days, the room’s been fully occupied by the same six patients. Four of them, including Ah Mah, are semi-comatose, similarly hooked up to waste collection bags and monitors.

The other two are conscious. One has an oxygen mask which she puts on and takes off incessantly. The other mumbles to herself a lot, mostly belligerent monologues. Ironically, both don’t seem to have visitors.

A collective whiff greets me at the door: drugs, urine, faeces, the raw stench of old age and sickness, sanitised death. The late afternoon sun has cast beautiful golden shadows between their beds. 

Ah Mah’s immobile form, covered by a blanket, breathing noisily, mouth slightly open, eyes closed, sunken, is becoming familiar and surreal after four days. Is her condition steady? Greyish flakes of dried saliva have formed around her mouth. I wet some tissues with the drinking bottle and wipe carefully, hoping her desiccated lips will soak it up. I glance at my watch, but immediately feel guilty for noting that only two minutes have passed — eight more to go.

生死之間

[LINK to English Version: Between Lives]

「叮！十七樓！」 電梯用機械人扮溫馨的聲線，以英粵語宣佈它的虛假位置，梯門隨即打開。

「對不起！」 乘客都在低頭看電話，對我焦急的手肘反應緩慢。


 
17樓的高齡女病房，有種濃濃的消極氣氛。看來17減去避過了的 4，13，14 等中英忌諱後，仍然是十四樓。「偷號法」 騙得過迷信的人，騙不過建築物的硬現實。
 
當值護士從櫃台後用奇異的眼光望了我一眼，但我沒有心情解釋我每隔十分鐘出入一趟的原因。
 
阿媽的房間是1704。院方把兆頭不佳的層數殺掉，卻把有4字的房號保留，做法有些不一。過去四天來，1704 住滿了六個病人。其中四個，包括阿媽在內，都局部昏迷。他們同樣被接駁到類似的儀器，吊瓶，和糞便袋。
 
余下兩位較清醒的老太，其中一個不停把面上的氧氣罩拉掉，戴上，再拉掉，再戴上。另一位四天來都不見有訪客，清醒的時候，經常憤怒地自言自語，像在跟自己吵嘴。
 
一進房門，一種醫院獨有的醫藥氣味，混上六位老人家糞便尿袋釋放的隱約味道，撲面而上。這經過消毒的老，病，死，苦，很令人嘔心。
 
黃昏的陽光，透過窗花，在地上撒了幾道金黃影子。
 
阿媽還是幾天來的老樣子：插滿了塑料喉，微微張口，大聲呼吸。她眼皮下陷，好像眼珠被人挖走了。唇邊白白黃黃的，粘滿風乾了的口水皮。我用紙巾濕水替她拭擦，希望枯竭的口唇能夠吸收一點水份。我伸手時順便看看腕表，立即感到內疚：還未坐下，心裡已經急不急待計時。
 
兩分多鐘過去了；還剩下差不多八分鐘。


 
「她很好呀！同五分鐘前無變，仍然好好呀！阿媽你怕不怕煩呀！」 我很不耐煩地告訴她。
 
我上星期探望阿媽後，正準備離去，她又第 N 次問我蘇珊的近況。我那天心情很差，工作上有些難題，蘇珊其實也身體不適，而阿媽則比平時囉嗦十倍。可能她的腦袋已經開始有問題跡象，但我當時沒有想到這點。
 
她坐在輪椅，眼睛濕潤，背後站著我自她兩年前中風後請來照顧的菲傭。阿媽對著我騎騎傻笑，好像覺得我發脾氣很滑稽，令我更加火光。
 
「拜！我下星期再來。」 邊說，一隻腳已經踏出大門，隨即大嘆一聲 「哎！」
 
那是我跟阿媽說的最後一句話。
 
翌日下午，現在是四天前的事了，她又再中風。傭人把她送院。我趕到的時候，她已經是現在這個樣子了。
 
內疚這東西最討厭，避無可避，絕不饒人。
 
回想當天她不停地問我蘇珊的近況，無非過度關切。假如她不是我母親，我可能會覺得感動，也許滑稽，反正一笑置之。但她是我媽媽。面對她這副模樣，我的心情十分複雜：憐惜，難過，厭惡，憤怒，麻木，各有幾分。久病床前無孝子，是很令人心碎的現實。
 
反正現在不是自責的時候。我唯一的希望，是我對她說的最後一句話比較溫馨而已。
 
醫生較早時「警告」了我，要有「充分心理準備」。但醫生對人體的瞭解，遠不及修車的明白機件運作，經常 「靠估」。可能阿媽昏迷幾天便會甦醒。我今後無論如何也不會再對她說任何難聽的話了。。。
 
五分鐘過去了。
 
顯示屏上的螢光綠數字間歇跳動著，表示阿媽仍然在提供輸入訊號，仍然有生命。我不用儀器也知道阿媽仍然活著，因為她頑強的肺，還在噝噝作響。

 
「你阿媽是小販，大聲是應該！」 當我投訴她說話聲音太大的時候，她把嗓子提高了五級抗議：「不靠我這把聲，你們哪來資格返學讀英文，將來發達買車買樓？」
 
「輕聲一點吧！我們上學不止學英語哦。還有，學英語並不一定會發達。」 我鄭重糾正阿媽。
 
「挑！你個死仔懂個屁！香港地只要講英文，打領帶，穿西裝，偷呃拐騙也受尊重。像我這樣？捱不死招白眼，捱死了惹人笑。快！快去讀英文！」 我阿媽教仔只有一招：「讀英文！」 我們若有不同意見，迎頭就是一巴掌。她每次打我或哥哥，之後都會淚如雨下，大喊大叫，怨命苦，生仔無心肝。
我自小喜歡數學，最討厭中英文。幸好有阿媽的鐵腕逼迫，語文才勉強過關，對我今天營運自己的小型顧問公司極為重要。當年我被港大電機工程錄取，阿媽聽到消息後突然蹲下來抱面啜泣，哭了足足五分鐘，嚇得我不知所措，唯有靜靜在她身旁蹲下，等她哭完。記憶中，那是阿媽唯壹次像個女人地哭泣。
哥哥 阿 John 很多年沒有跟我們聯繫了。小時候，他極少跟阿媽頂嘴，永遠默不作聲。我看他很早已經在盤算脫身方法了。據我所知，他現在芝加哥生活，講英文，打領帶，穿西裝，替高盛 「揸鍋鏟」 做炒賣，發了達。阿媽是說對了。
 
阿爸是泥工，在建築工地意外死的。我當時只有兩歲，沒有印象，都是後來零零星星聽阿媽說起的。反正人死不能復生，具體細節並不重要。阿媽只知道他 「工作時不小心，由高處墮下，幸好沒有傷及其他人」。當年在香港因工傷死亡，雇主會在事發現場大撒冥鈔，打發亡魂過路，然後把死者的名字由發薪水的糧單刪除。幸好我們住山邊寮屋，房租不成問題。
 
阿爸不小心死後，阿媽賣菜變了我們一家三口維生的唯一依靠。她每天清晨四點不夠便起床去西環拿瓜菜，用擔挑抬上半山區叫賣。她挑著兩大籃子瓜菜走遍整條羅便臣道和干德道，邊走邊喊：「好靚新鮮瓜菜阿餵！」，可謂 「叫通街」。光顧的師奶傭人都叫她 「菜婆」。她們一般不講價，但臨走時會多抓幾根蔥補償。孩子們有時跟著她走，怪聲怪氣地模仿她喊：「好靚新鮮瓜菜阿喂！」 學校假期，我和哥哥會被逼跟他叫賣。我老覺得很尷尬，不想直接望人，但低頭看見的，是阿媽那雙比象腿還要粗糙的腳，更加難受。哥哥更不用說了。我估計他對我們當年的出身不止討厭和羞恥，而是仇恨。
 
七十年代初，賣街小販的市場空間逐漸被超市壓縮，直至消失。阿媽於是到茶餐廳後巷蹲在地上洗碗，「工餘時間」撿些鐵罐廢紙幫補。可能由於她長年用一邊肩膊幹活，造成了年老時的不對稱駝背。
 
幾十年了，我還可以在腦海裡清晰聽到阿媽叫喊 「好靚新鮮瓜菜阿餵！」 的洪亮聲音。
 
她的象腿，自中風坐輪椅後，脹了起碼一半，完全失去比例。
 我輕輕把毛毯下隆隆突起的雙腳撫摸了兩下，才起身離去。已經足足十二分鐘了。

 
醫院的電梯系統有自己的邏輯，十七樓與三樓之間不直通，要到大堂轉乘。
 
三樓的值班護士正在專心搞文書，沒有理會我。我轉左直往303號私家病房。這裡的醫藥費用，甚至一根棉花棒和衛生紙，都比17樓的貴幾倍。教會開的私家醫院就是這個規矩，入院前要用信用卡擔保的。我考累過把阿媽也搬到私家房，但老人家住院多久說不准。假如長住的話，負擔會成問題。
 

蘇珊四腳趴趴在床上深呼吸。
 
「怎麼樣？」
 
「還可以。阿媽呢？」
 
「還是一樣。醫生 —」 護士和張醫生匆匆進來，打斷了我的話。他們跟我點頭後，張醫生便問蘇珊：「可以嗎？」
 
「還可以。陣痛較厲害。但生仔痛很正常吧？」
 
「你的子宮頸放大較慢，我看不如準備一下硬膜外麻醉，必要時可以剖腹產。」
 
蘇珊抬頭說道：「才不過兩個小時。。。」
 
「差不多三個鐘頭啦！」 護士插口改正。
 
蘇珊沒有回應，繼續低頭深呼吸。
 
「我們並非催促你，只不過不想 BB 受壓而已，」 張醫生很淡定地解釋。
 
「我明白，張醫生。但我仍然想努力。」
 
「當然當然。」 張醫生的語氣有些不耐煩。
 
「躺下來再看看吧！」 護士邊說邊戴手套。
 
「嗯，大概4公分。」 她脫下手套，專業地拍拍蘇珊，然後說道：「繼續努力吧，乖乖！我轉頭再來。」
 
張醫生和護士再跟我點了點頭，便匆匆過房。這家醫院的生意很好，病人較多。
 
「你真的不想準備麻醉？醫生說的不無道理，以防萬一嘛。」
 
「他催我生，只不過想收工回家吃晚飯。」
 
「你什麼時候變得這麼疑心啦，」 我笑著說。不過假如我是醫生，也會希望準時下班。「拖那麼長，對BB OK 嗎？」
 
「老公，兩個鐘頭，子宮頸已經放大了差不多一半，很正常哦。」 她頓了頓，呼吸幾下，才繼續說：「我們討論自然分娩討論了六個月，現在臨床變卦？」
 
「沒有！只不過恐怕BB受壓。你決定吧！」 我的口氣有些像張醫生。
 
「這是我們的決定。」
 
自然分娩的確是我們一早的選擇。但我當時沒有想到阿媽會同時入院，而且情況嚴重。蘇珊雖然身體很好，但說到底也36歲了，還是第一胎。雖然當今職業女強人三十多歲首次產子很普遍，但她們絕大部分都選擇剖腹產，不但減低痛苦和風險，還連孩子的時辰八字也一併預設，重大工作會議也可以預早安排。況且我今天才體會到，自然分娩可能是為年輕很多的女人設計的。假如蘇珊遇到什麼不測。。。而阿媽又。。。滿腦子的負面思想把我弄得心寒，下意識也來一口深呼吸，才回答道：「對！是我們的決定。」
 
「你整天沒吃飯了！快去吃點東西，別餓壞了。」
 
「我不餓。」 我其實口不對胃。
 
「快去吧！我這裡暫時不需要你！你不是很喜歡街尾那麵檔的嗎？」
 
「等會兒吧。。。」


 
快九點了。我叫的雲吞麵還未到，手提電話便響了：「趙先生嗎？是醫院打來的。你能趕快過來嗎？」
 
「可以！」 我說罷立即掛上，連忙付錢。我就在醫院附近，走路不用五分鐘。
 
跑往醫院的時候，才想起剛才忘記問來電是哪個部門。護士的聲音很慎重鎮定，估計是17樓居多。到了大堂，我決定先上三樓看過究竟。蘇珊不在房間。我連忙跑到當值櫃台，喘著氣問：「姑娘，我老婆不在房間！」
 
「303嗎？不用緊張，剛進了產房。」
 
「在哪？」
 
「直走右手最後一間。寫著2號產房的。」
 
我走了兩步，才轉頭問道：「姑娘，是你剛才打電話給我嗎？」
 
「我？沒有哦！」
 
我連忙剎步，轉身跑向電梯。電梯未到，我又改變注意，奔向產房。反正人已經在三樓，還是先跟老婆打個招呼；更急也不差那幾分鐘。

 
張醫生和護士都穿上了圍裙和橡皮靴，像市場賣魚的。見到我匆匆進來，只輕輕點頭。
 
「珊，怎麼樣？」
 
「突然說來便來！見到你，好多啦。」 她眯起雙眼，放寬了忍痛的表情，對我展示勇敢的微笑。
 
她伸出一隻手來，我便在床邊坐下，用雙手把它穩穩握著。
 
我問護士：「你剛才有打電話給我嗎？」
 
她在面罩後笑著回答：「除非有特殊情況，我們不打電話給准爸爸的。怕發生交通意外嘛。」
 
我轉過頭來問張醫生：「你看大概要多久？」
 
「問你老婆囉！」 他一手拿著探棒走向床尾，輕鬆地回答。

「你不要緊張，安靜地在這裡支持老婆吧！」
——————

電梯只有我一個乘客。到了17樓，門開了一半我便擠了出去。
夜班護士一見到我，便問道：「趙先生嗎？」
 
「是你打電話給我嗎？」
 
「我同事打的。」 她說完，鄭重地站起身，繞過櫃台，站在我跟前：「很抱歉，我們打完電話不久，婆婆便安詳地走了。醫生十分鐘前才離開。」
 
我點點頭，腦里一片空白。完全不意外的消息，也可以令人迷惘，不知如何反應。
 
「婆婆在九點左右突然高聲叫喊，聽上去好像是 ‘新鮮哦！’ 。我們以為她醒過來，急忙跑到她房間，但她的心跳已經開始急速下降。我們一邊搶救一邊叫醫生，然後打電話給你。」我嗓子很緊，開不了腔，唯有繼續點頭。
 
「你就算十分鐘來到，也可能太遲了。婆婆去得很快，很安樂。」 護士安慰道。
 
我其實五分鐘便可以趕到，但拖遲了四十分鐘。
 
「謝謝你，姑娘。」 一開口說話，眼淚便不受控地猛流。我轉過頭深深吸了幾口氣，才問道：「我可以看看她嗎？」
 
「當然可以。婆婆還在她的床位。」
 
我很勉強地以笑容道謝，然後往阿媽的房間走去。

 
阿媽看起來跟下午時差不多，微微張口，嘴角粘滿口水皮。為她打了幾十年氣的強肺，終於靜止了下來。幾天來與她日夜相伴的顯示屏已被關掉，推在一旁。床位的圍簾都拉上了，同房都沒有聲音。在暗淡的燈光下，就只有我們兩個。從小到大，不就只有我們兩個嗎？直到我也離棄了她。。。我覺得很冷，手心冰涼。
 
她的身體好像縮了兩個碼。毛毯下突起的象腳看來比下午大，更不成比例。我輕輕捏了一下這雙帶著媽媽走完一生的大腳。這雙鞋也不穿，赤著跑盡苦難的大腳，把兩個兒子撫養成才，成為自以為了不起，比媽媽高級得多，會說英語會賺錢的專業人才。
 
幾天前，我覺得阿媽急切抱孫的樣子很落後可笑。現在我願意付出任何代價，贖回一小時的光陰。抱孫她是沒緣分了，但我希望她能夠親耳聽到期待已久的好消息。她一生人聽過的好消息實在太少太少了。
 
我在床邊跪下來，輕輕對她的耳邊說道：「阿媽，你的男孫出生啦，你現在是嬤嬤啦。他很肥壯，足足八磅多！一出來便大喊，醫生說他的肺特強，像你哦！」

——————

譚炳昌 2014年10月

2017年8月稍作修改

[ 鏈接到其他過渡短篇故事 ]

民主國際標準

[English: Int'l Standard in Freedom and Democracy]

佔中支持者，很多都忘記了佔中的聲明目標，是爭取“符合國際標準”的自由和民主。自由嘛，還好辦。香港是全球最自由的城市之一，這是大佬們說過的，沒有自吹自擂。既然現行的自由度較大，向著“國際標準”下調的空間也便較多，應該辦得到。

但這批未來的社會棟梁和導師們教我們特首要由公民提名，然後一人一票直選，“否則就是假民主！假選舉！” 支持者都拍手叫好！

Int'l Standard in Freedom and Democracy

「鏈接到：民主自由的國際標準」

Occupy Central protesters demand freedom and Democracy (In case you haven’t noticed, I habitually capitalise Democracy due to it’s sacred status) according to “international standard”. I believe the freedom bit should be easily achievable. Hong Kong has been one of the freest cities in the world in many respects: economic, personal movement, expression etc. etc.; a downward adjustment to meet international standard shouldn’t be too challenging. 

The protestors and their mentors also tell us that candidates for the Chief Executive should be nominated by the public, and voted on directly without any form of screening whatsoever. Otherwise, it’d be a sham! Now, this could be more problematic according to “international standard”. 

Authoritarianism with Chinese Characteristics

中文鏈接

「中國特色的極權主義」

Hong Kong’s Umbrella Freedom Fighters can’t possibly be fighting for “freedom” in one of the most indulgent communities on earth; it’d be like fish keep asking for more salt in the ocean. If succeeded, it’d turn them into anchovies. 

A popular reason cited by supporters is that China’s an authoritarian state, therefore to be loathed unconditionally. Anyone who reads mainstream newspapers would know that much. If this fear is indeed the real cause, I’d like to take this opportunity to examine China’s authoritarianism by reviewing some known facts:

1. In 1949, when the Communist Party took over, average life expectancy in China was about thirty-five, illiteracy was 80%, and GDP was lower than Qing Dynasty’s. After a century of pillage and plunder by colonial powers, the country was struggling to recover from near-fatal wounds inflicted by opium, corruption, barbaric invasions and civil wars. Sixty-five years on, it’s the world’s second largest economy. In the past thirty years, the miraculous transformation (GDP growth, productivity, urbanisation of population etc.) of this continent-sized country is comparable to (relatively tiny) Britain’s evolution after the industrial revolution, which took about 200 years. Martin Jacques’ book contains a lot of hard data for comparison, in plain English http://www.martinjacques.com/books/when-china-rules-the-world/. However, economic development isn’t everything. It shouldn’t be.

中國特色的極權主義

English Link 

[Authoritarianism with Chinese Characteristics]

香港的“雨傘革命家”們並非真的在追求“民主自由”。香港是世上少有的自由社會，程度近乎放縱。在這裡搞革命爭取自由，實在太玄，難以信服。當我問他們革命成功後，有了自由民主，打算如何改變社會時，答案都有些離題：“中國是極權國家，定要反對！” 哦，原來這才是真正原因。

習慣了西方 “自由傳媒” 招牌菜的人，都知道中國是 “極權國家”，令人心寒。我希望多些瞭解，於是決定反潮流，實事求是探索一番：

1. 當新中國在1949年成立之際，中國的人均壽命不過35歲，文盲率高達80%，GDP 比清朝時期還低。經過一個多世紀的鴉片荼毒，貪污腐敗，列強侵掠和內戰，中國當時處於垂死邊緣。做夢也想不到，65年後會翻身成為全球第二經濟大國。毛澤東的超英趕美，現在看來一點也不虛幻。過去30年的成績，相等小英帝國工業革命後200年的演變，是人類歷史上的奇跡。英國作家 Martin Jacques 蒐集了大量數據，作出客觀比較，可供參考： http://www.martinjacques.com/books/when-china-rules-the-world/. 但經濟發展雖然重要，社會發展還須以人為本。

My take on Occupy Central

中文鏈接：「佔中如何收科」

It’s human nature to react emotionally rather than rationally whenever there’s some kind of mass disorder. The Occupy Central movement, misplaced in Admiralty, is of course no exception.

A friend has a valid point: Most if not all student movements have underlying reasons that we should not simply shrug off. So, what’s Occupy Central about, and what could be the extreme outcomes?

Underlying Frustrations

Hong Kong craves the reset button for a few reasons. Education (both at school AND home) is a key one. Having popularised the university degree in the 1990s, everyone feels entitled to a better job. Ironically, quantity has achieved the opposite. We now have many graduates aspiring to be managers, but stuck with making telephone sales calls. Today’s mainland China has many more poor kids. But they have dreams and hopes to soon become nouveau riches. Most of them are (relatively relatively) happy and self-driven. On the other hand, Hong Kong’s social permeability has dropped significantly. Poor kids feel stuck. Middle class ones growing up without having learnt to tie shoe laces feel their enormous sense of entitlement denied. They’re unhappy. 

佔中如何收科？

English link: [My take on Occupy Central]

當很多人被佔中騎劫了情緒之際，我想嘗試分析佔中之目的為何？而“最佳”和最壞的後果會是甚麼。

背後原因

佔中運動背後的外來因素量暫且不提，一群市民洶湧上街必定也有其內在原因。我認為（學校和家庭）教育可能是其中一個。港英撤走前把大學教育普及化，人人有學位，皆大歡喜。誰知學士太多，變成了社會問題。戴了四方帽，高不成低不就，造成了一代人的納悶。五六十年代的香港，像今天的大陸，肚子不餓，但不過份富裕的人，做人特別起勁。但今天的香港，不愁衣食，以為拿著文憑可以做經理，結果要電話推銷，心理不平衡可以想像。

Superstition in Science

「繁體版鏈接：科學迷信」

Two erudite correspondents have been engaged in a thought provoking e-mail debate over the merits of science. They both have taught science subjects at university level. One thinks science the most elegant approach to universal wisdom. The other regards it yet another grand human illusion.

I actually agree with both and, paradoxically, don’t think they have much disagreement in their passionately divergent viewpoints. Perhaps they’ve set aside a huge swathe of worldly commonality to expostulate over a philosophical posture? Academics and intellectuals love to do that you know.

There are ample examples how applied science and technology have improved the lives of many over the past century. Science could have been indisputably beneficial, had we not overused and misused it (once again!), rendering it destructive — self-destructive — to humans.

科學迷信

English link: [Superstition in Science]

兩位“筆友”，最近經電郵激烈辯論 “科學迷信” 這議題。一位認為科學是探索宇宙最高智慧的優雅手段。另一位認為科學無非人類又一偉大幻覺，與最終 “現實” 拉不上關係。兩位都是僑居海外的教授級學者，都曾經在大學教理工科。我覺得他們兩位的論點精辟， 而且分歧不大，只不過抓住了一兩個原則上的分叉，爭論一番而已。老九們，不論香臭，都有這份嗜好！

科學技術本身，當然可以載舟，可以覆舟。“實用科技”於過往一兩個世紀，的確曾經造福不少。但不知收手，直至好事變壞，是人類慣性。我們現在面對科技發達帶來的負面後果，事實上十分嚴峻，而且越來越難收科。